Breast Feeding

Disclaimer: if you don't want to read about my experiences with breast feeding (or more accurately the lack of) I will not be offended.

The twins are actually to young to breast feed right now. Currently their corrected gestational age is 33 weeks. They have not learned how to coordinate everything that it takes to successfully breast feed, like swallowing, breathing and sucking. 

Since day one I have been pumping to get milk for them. This was really important to me because a) I know breast milk is important for their development. And b) providing them milk was the only thing I could do for them right from the start.

Pumping has been a frustrating battle. Trying to buy the stupid pump was problem number one. Our insurance will cover one 50%, the only problem with that is you had to buy from one of their authorized dealers. We went to Alpine Medical first and we had it all worked out, and when it came time to pay it ended up being a lot more than we thought. We ended up buying it on Amazon for less, and we can add it to our medical expenses this year on our taxes.

Another battle is providing enough milk for two.  The babies did not even start getting milk for a few days, so that helped buy me some time as my milk slowly came in. I opted for donor milk if I was not producing. I think they got a day of donor milk (mixed in with what could provide), before I was producing enough. "Enough" was very little thankfully. They start feeding the babies 3ml per feeding and go up from there. They were also getting food every 6 hours, and then it bumped up to every 3 hours. Their current schedule is around an ounce (30 ml) of food every 3 hours.

I was able to keep up with them until about a week ago (so about for 5 weeks). For some reason my production of milk declined. I was pumping every 2 to 3 hours, pumping at night, drinking lots of water, and trying to eat extra. I was doing all the things they told me to do but it was still low. There are lactation specialists up at the hospital, and Justin really wanted me to talk to them. I knew they would not tell me anything I did not already know, so I didn't want to. It was such a sore subject for me I knew if I startedt talking to someone I would probably just cry like crazy.
I finally ended up asking by OB. I had an appointment with her, and she recommended Fenagreek tea. I'm not a fan of tea, so I bought some supplements instead.

Fenagreek is some nasty stuff. They say it tastes like maple syrup, I just think it tastes gross. It also makes you smell gross. Besides these two horrible things, I think (combined with other things) has helped with the increase of milk.

I was up at the hospital one day, and I ran into an occupational therapist (lactation specialist) so I decided to ask her if their was anything else I could do. She was a very nice lady, but she pissed me off greatly with the "help" she provided. Her answer to my question was medication, and to be happy with what I had. I was furious by the time she left the room.

She also told me the medication can cause depression. With that fact alone I knew it was not an option for me. And after some research online I found that the medication is usually prescribed for a week, and during that week your milk can increase, and when you stop, your milk production goes back down. 

Right after this experience I finally used up all my stores in the hospital, and ran out of milk. I found this out later, but, our sweet nurse told Justin first, and he told her not to tell me right away because I was still upset about the OT. I was a little less mad when she told me, and we decided to start doing half formula half breast milk for the time being.  If we end up having a good supply they will give them all breast-milk.  I still would prefer to feed them breast-milk all the time, but it has decreased my stress level a little not worrying about producing enough.

When the babies oxygen needs started to decline, they were able to get their feeding tubes moved from their mouths to their noses. The good being, I could now start practicing latching with them.
Carla, our amazing nurse, found me a different OT to come help me. At the time I did not know that she knew of my bad experience. The other OT was much better, and I like her a great deal more.

We started with Ella, since she was the first to have her feeding tube moved. I have to say this experience was one of the most amazing of my life. To be able to have that connection with my baby was amazing to me. I was struggling with not feeling like a mother, and feeling pretty useless to my own children, and even though we were just practicing, having her in my arms, seeing her try and latch on was life changing to me.

The steps to actually feeding a preemie baby is a pretty drawn out process. For starters they cannot coordinate breathing, sucking and swallowing. And I am told the hardest part is teaching them how to latch on, which is currently what we are trying to do. They have both latched on a few times, and to see them try is the cutest thing. Before we practice I have to pump so there is not milk for them. The reason being if I were to have a let down it would overwhelm the babies, cause a bad experience, and have them not want to try again.  What I end up doing is pumping, and then when they are trying to latch on I have to squeeze just a drop for them to taste, and hopefully get them to latch.

Within a week or so we can start to give them more milk, and have them actually suck more. I still have to pump, but not a fully. After that we can try feeding them with bottles. Around this time I am going to be spending a lot more time at the hospital. Since I want to breastfeed, they need as much practice as possible, and since bottle feeding is so much easier for them, they don't want them to reject the breast because they know they have an easier option. So ideally they will have me in the day, and bottles at night.

Being in the NICU is a total roller coaster of emotions. At first I cried when I had to go the hospital, and wished that I could just stay home once in a while. Now when I go up there, It takes all my effort to leave them. There are also days where me and Justin are mad, or sad, or any other emotion you can think of. We had an experience with a nurse that made us so mad we had to leave and come back after she was gone. But, I am so grateful for the care they are getting, and I am even more grateful for the progress they have made.

One Month

I can't believe my babies are one month old, and more so a month of driving to the hospital every day has gone by fast.
Life has been so crazy I have not been able to blog, but Wilson and Ella are doing well. A little after a week they were able to move into the low birth weight room. It has been so nice being in there.  We get our own room (there are normally two babies in one room, so with twins we get our own).
Another great thing about the U, is we can have the option of asking nurses that we like to be primary nurses.  So every time they work they take care of our babies. We have been able to find a few nurses that we really like.

The first month also had some terrifying moments. First, Ella got an infection and a few days later Wilson got one too.  At first they thought it was a UTI, but the cultures they grew from Ella's diaper never grew anything. So in the end I don't think we actually know what the infection was. Wilson's diaper grew something, but I don't know if we know what his was either.

Ella gave us the biggest scare.  She started to destroy her red blood cells.  We were pretty sure it was caused by the infection, but they ended up doing a lot of blood tests to see if there was any other problems.  With drawing so much blood, and her destruction of red blood cells she had two blood transfusions as well. All the scary tests came back negative, and the diagnosis they came up with was "unstable hemoglobin."  What that means we don't really know.  They don't treat the condition it's just something that's there, and to keep in mind, especially when she is sick.  Justin and I are in the process of getting blood test since this condition is hereditary.

They both recovered well from the infections, which was a great relief.  They have been doing great ever since.

Some other things that happened, they got eye exams. That really didn't tell us anything we didn't already know, they are underdeveloped.  The occupational therapist has been coming in and doing exercises with them, moving their legs and arms and such. Their oxygen needs have also been slowly decreasing. During Ella's infection she had to go back onto a c-pap machine.  She stayed on that for a week or so, and then went back down to the high flow machine. She is doing great with that, actually better than her brother.

The latest news is they are working on controlling their own temperture. They started with turning off their beds so the bed does not adjust to the babies temp automatically. The best part about this is they now get to wear clothes. They are so cute in their little jammies. After about two days of that, Ella's bed now has the top open. And soon Wilson will be in an open crib (most likely later today).

We are so greatful they are continuing to do well. Wilson especially has grown, he is 3.12 lbs today, and Ella is 3.2 lbs. they are the greatest little blessings. Life is not really what I expected it be. Before they were born I thought l would be sitting at home feeding and changing diapers, along with lots of sleep deprivation. It has turned out a lot different than that.

I honestly don't feel like a mother most of the time. I do when I am with them, and there is definitely that connection between us. But, when I am home I basiclly sit around because I'm so tired all the time, feeling like a lazy bum because I don't have a job (I actually did start catering weddings again, my first night back was two days ago, and that has helped).  Getting out of bed before 10:00 am is nearly impossible, due partly because I'm up every few hours to pump, and partly because of depression.

I'm not one that normally struggles with depression, and I'm pretty sure it's postpartum related. I've also had a bad case of "life sucks". There was a few days where I would cry constantly throughout the day if I was alone, most frequently in the car if I had to drive myself to the hospital. I would just dwell in the fact that life really is not fair.  Why did and do I have to go through all of this crap?? Years of infertility, high medical bills, lost jobs, never ending crap happening while I was pregnant, and now my kids in the NICU, and it seems like everyone around me is having happy, healthy babies. It was just constantly one thing after the other.
Justin was the most helpful in solving my blues.  Once I finally told him what was bothering me, he simply told me that it was OK, and that I was right, and had a right to feel that way.  Just hearing him say that made me feel better, and honestly most of my negative feelings went away after that.  Just knowing someone understood, and did not think I was crazy for thinking these things made all the difference. It's just another reason why I love my husband so much.

First Week in the NICU

Wilson under the lights

Monday the 15th, will mark 1week of Ella and Wilson in the NICU. They have been doing fantastic, and we could not be happier.
The biggest worry to me was their breathing, and their little lungs developing.
With babies that small their lungs are really delicate of course, and they do not want them to deflate all the way because they most likely cannot get them inflated again, this is because they tend to be really sticky inside.

Ella under the lights

They started out  intubated. It is kind of scary to see them hooked up. Luckily we were warned on what it was going to look like, so we were not too freaked out. The machine pumps really fast, sending lots of little bursts of air into their lungs. This prevents the lungs from deflating, but it also makes the babies shake or vibrate.

A cuddly little boy

Wilson was only on this machine for a day, and Ella was on it for about two. They then went down to a C-Pap machine. This machine is more gentle. They just have a nasal cannula, and the machine gently pushes air into the lungs to keep them open. Once again Wilson and Ella were only on this for a couple of days, and then they were able to breath on their own.
Currently at one week they just have a nasal cannula and are hooked up to oxygen that can we adjusted. They are breathing all on their own now, and there oxygen levels have been between 21% (which is what we normally breath) and about 30%.
I am so grateful that they are doing so well. I think a big part of their success is that I had steroid shots. The first round was a few weeks ago, and then I had another round the Saturday and Sunday before they were born.

Dad changing Ellas diaper

A big yawn for a little girl

Update: I wrote the first part of this blog early this morning, and then we went and saw them this afternoon. They are still doing great, but they have there oxygen turned up a little more. Premature babies sometimes forget to breath. We have only ever seen Wilson and Ella do really well, and excel and make strides everyday. Today however, as we sat by Wilson's bedside he was having these episodes of not breathing (they call them A's and B's). He never fully stopped breathing, but he would drop from 70 breaths per minute down to 20 breaths per minute. His heart rate would drop from the 160's down into the 90's. It completely freaked me and Justin out. We know that this is just something that these babies do, and they will probably struggle with this for a while. Eventually I told Justin I needed to leave. Sitting there not being able to do anything was to stressful. I knew the nurses were there and watching, and that they would take care of them.

Wilson loves to be on his tummy

Both are also doing well with eating. At first they are just on just vitamins. Wilson was able to start food very quickly, and Ella followed a couple days after. She had some icky green bile in her tummy that prevented her from starting as fast.
Right now Wilson currently takes 15 oz of milk every 3 hours, and Ella takes 10 oz of milk every 3 hours, and the amount goes up quite often.
Its interesting how they are fed. They have the food in a syringe, and the tube goes directly to their tummies. Before they feed them they check how much is left in there stomach. They just suck it out with the syringe, and then put it back in. They told us yesterday, as long as the residual is less than half of the last feeding, they don't worry about it.
They recently changed the way both of them are fed. There heart rates would drop when they had a feeding, so they changed it so over a course of 30 minutes there food is slowing injected through the tube into the stomach. This makes it a little less overwhelming for there tummies. They have been tolerating the feedings much better since they changed to this method.

They also get a brain scan. They usually wait to do this between day 7 and 10. We will not have the results from these for the next couple of days. Update: The brain scans came back clear, there is no bleeding in their brains.

We are just so thrilled on how well they are doing. They will hopefully be moved to a new unit in the NICU within the next few days (it just depends on space). The great thing is they will have their own room together. And we will also be able to hold them. Right now they are on Minimal Stimulation . This means we can only touch them when the nurses do their cares. At 8:00 am, 2:00pm and 8:00pm we can go help by changing their diapers and taking their temperatures. At that time we can also
touch them. But coming soon I will be able to hold them. That will be an exciting day.

Home Sweet Home...again

After a few days in the hospital, I got to come home on Friday afternoon. It was nice to know that I was really coming home this time, and I did not have to go back (at least to stay...visiting everyday does not count). It was hard to leave the babies there, but really not as hard as I thought. I knew I could not take care of them, and they are also in the best place they could possibly be. I also can't do anything for them, but of course love them, look at them, and change their diaper at specific times in the day. I'll do another post about their first week in the NBICU next.

Before I went home I had to get a bunch of stuff done. I got a flu shot, and a T-dap (tetanus, diphtheria, and pertussis) shot. I also needed to get my staples out. For some reason the thought of getting the staples taken out was terrifying. I'm usually pretty easy going, and things like that don't bother me, but I would just shake, almost uncontrollably at the thought of it. My nurses kept telling me not to worry, and that it was not bad at all. She said most patients say its about the pain equivalent to getting your eye brows plucked. I believed them, but I was still terrified. I felt really dumb.
It finally came time to take them out, and I of course was shaking, but I think I did a pretty good job at calming down. Of course they were right, it barely hurt at all. Most of them I didn't even feel when they took them out. There was a few in the middle that hurt pretty bad, but she said they were imbedded a little, so it was a little harder to get those ones out. Even though it really didn't hurt much, I am still glad that It was over quickly.

We finally got home. I was very excited, except that I had to climb a flight of stairs to get in. I was going really slow, and Justin went up ahead of me. He walked in, and I was only about half way up the stairs and he yells down to me "someone cleaned the house". I pretty much broke down into tears. Of course it was my wonderful mother that cleaned the house that morning. It was just about the greatest gift I could of asked for. And then a few hours later she brought us dinner.

It is now Sunday and my third day home. I was ambitious and went to an hour of church. For the most part I feel OK. I'm really sore, and really tired. I don't know how other people do it. I can't image trying to recover from a c-section and then taking twins home a few days later. I have a great respect for those that have. I would of needed an army.

The Day My World Changed Forever

I spent all Sunday in Women's Special Care. The contractions had calmed down and  were really far apart again, and I generally felt OK.
However, later in the evening I started to not feel that great. Me being stupid, and not really knowing what was going on, I just thought I needed to go to the bathroom. I had my nurse, Emily, give me Milk of Magnesia, and I drank of can of prune juice, but I was still in terrible pain. The pain was way low in my back, and going down into my hips. It started out not so bad. But around 1:30 am or so I could not stand the pain any more. I called the nurse in to see if she could give me anything else. She looked at me, saw how I was breathing, and said "I think you are in labor". She had Justin try and time how far apart my contractions were based on how I was breathing. She wanted to check the babies, but the contractions were so close together, and much more painful. I could not lay on my back, so she could not get access to my belly to find the babies on the monitor. At this point I was in so much pain I did not care what happened next. They wheeled my over to Labor and Delivery, and because of the location of the pain they could not do anything either.  They did however tell me the babies were coming, and they were going to deliver via c-section.
I already knew that it was going to be a c-section. I had been told previously that even though baby A was head down, it would just cause too much stress to go through a vaginal delivery when they were so tiny.
The few seconds I had in between contractions I had to do something to get ready. So basically it went, contractions, sign a consent form for c-sections, contractions, put on a belly band, contraction, tried to listen to the babies heart tones, contractions, examine my cervix (I was dilated to about a 5 or 5.5), contractions, cut off belly band. Plus sometime in all of this the IV in my hand started to BURN! I made them change the IV over to the other hand.

First minutes. (and yes that is a regular sized post-it note)

During this time Justin was holding my hand, and telling me that I was not squeezing his hand hard enough. I think that changed as time went on. He also got to go change into some scrubs so he could be with me during the c-section.
He could not come with me at first. I was wheeled into the operating room, and they told me he could come in a few minutes and join me.
First, they transferred me from my bed to the operating table. Once again each step was happening in between a contraction. I sat on the edge of the table with me feet hanging over and they gave me a couple of warm blankets and a table to rest my arms on. Then came my best friend again, the anesthesiologist. He was a super nice guy, really calm, and told me exactly what to expect. He felt around on my back, told me this was going to be the worst part, a sharp poke, and it may burn or sting for a minute.
It really was not too terrible, it did burn, and I did make some kind of noise when the needle went in. It was probably less than a minute before my feet and legs started to tingle. They helped me lay down on the table, and said that they were sorry but I was going to feel really exposed for a few minutes, but not to worry, we were all friends. I was in so much pain and completely terrified, that laying on a tiny metal table completely exposed was the least of my worries. While they were cleaning me all off, and getting me all draped, they also strapped my arms down. I honestly think that was worst part to have my arms pulled out and strapped down. I understand why they did it, they did not want me trying to swat at them during the procedure, but it was still terrible.
Justin was then able to come in. He told me that he called my parents and told them that I was having the babies, and that they loved me. He was so sweet, during the procedure he tried to keep me calm. He rubbed my arms and my shoulders. I was still nervous or terrified or something, and through the entire procedure my arms were shaking like crazy. I could not calm down and get them to stop shaking.
When Wilson came out they let Justin go and try and take a picture, the problem being they whisk those babies into the NICU and he barely got to see them. (there is a little window from the operating room into the NICU that they just quickly pass the baby through when they are born).
One of the sweet nurses asked if we wanted her to go snap a few pictures for us. She went and took a few pics. I thought that was super sweet of her.
They then proceeded to clean and sew me up. Having a c-section is totally bizarre. All I could feel was them tugging, lots of pressure, and a suction every once an a while. Eventually someone came over and told us that the babies were all hooked up, and breathing, and doing well. I had never felt so relieved in my whole life. I felt like maybe I could calm down a little. I really didn't though.  I was still shaking like crazy. I also remember the sound of them stapling me up, that was really weird. I could not feel it, or see it, but I knew what they were doing and the thought of it was really strange.

Wilson Floyd Parkinson

They wheeled me back into Labor and Delivery and let me rest for a little bit. Not to much time passed before my parents showed up. I did not expect them to show up  at 3 am but they were there to be with me. I did not realize how big of a comfort it was going to be to have them there. I am so blessed to have such amazing parents.
I pretty much got to rest and the nurse would come in and check my belly. The nurse that checked my belly was so nice, but so mean. I felt like she was trying to stick her hand all the way though my stomach. It was so painful. My Mom said they were probably trying to push the gunk inside of me out as much as they could. That made sense, but oh my goodness it hurt!
A few hours later they took me back to Women's Special Care. By this time we still had not been able to go see the babies. I knew they would not let me until later that day, but I think Justin was getting a little anxious. They said they had other babies coming into the NICU, so we had to wait until everything calmed down before he could go over there.
When they finally let Justin go over, he took my parents as well. I told him to take lots of pictures for me. Justin has been such a sweet dad. You can just see how much he loves our babies. And to watch him interact with them is priceless. I always get a little teary thinking about it.
I think I was finally able to go around 5pm or so. Once I had my catheter out, and had eaten something they wheeled me over.
I was really terrified to see them. In my imagination they were so tiny they could fit in may hand. Being able to see them was a huge relief! They were small, but not as small as I thought they were going to be. They are probably between 13 and 14 inches long. But still so tiny, and there skin was very very red. But they were doing well, and all hooked up to help their breathing, and we were told they were doing just great.

Stella Grace Parkinson

They are so tiny, but they are ding so well, and improving everyday. We are so blessed to have these two special little people join our family. They already have so many people that love them and pray for them daily.
I feel incredibly blessed to have my wee little ones, and to have such amazing friends and family. This is truly what life is about, I would of never gotten through these trials without their strength. I thank my Heavenly Father daily for these wonderful little babies of mine. Things may have been difficult to bring about, and things never went as planned, but it all has a purpose and I have learned and grown so much. We have a long road to go before they can leave the hospital, and I'm sure that will not be easy. But, I am still so grateful, and so blessed, and have never been happier.

Back to the Hospital

My bed rest at home lasted a glorious 2-1/2 days.  Saturday morning, the 6th of September, I woke up and knew everything was not OK. I had not been feeling that great the days I had been home, but I did not feel like I needed to worry. However, Saturday was different. I was having contractions more often and just generally feeling crappy, and I had started bleeding again.  I woke Justin up and told him I was not feeling well. He knew exactly what that meant. He got up, got ready, grabbed the hospital bag and set out.
On the way up to the hospital I was still having frequent contractions, but they were not that painful, and they lasted maybe 30 seconds.
As always it was the same routine. I was taken up to OB Emergency, got checked, babies were doing great. It turned out that my Cervix was now completely thinned, and I was dilated to 3cm. They sent me over to Labor and Delivery to get started on Magnesium and get more steroid shots.
I only know horror stories about Magnesium, I was not that excited to start that up. It is used to help protect the babies brains in pre-term labor, mostly to decrease the risk of cerebral palsy.
It also has other side effects of stopping contractions because it is a muscle relaxant.
My Aunt was on Magnesium when she had her twins and she said it was terrible. It made her hot, go red in the face, he mind go crazy, and she wanted to jump out the window. I had also been told multiple times in the hospital that Magnesium is just terrible.
I admit it was not fun, it was also pleasantly not what I expected it to be. The only side effect I got was being really really warm! My actual temperature never increased, but I was dying of heat. This was a weird sensation for me because I am never warm! I asked Patti (such a sweet lady, and great nurse) to get me a fan. We had it directly blowing on me all day and all night full blast. Justin was so cold, I felt terrible. The instant that fan was not on me though, I could barely breath.
I did not sleep all night, not a wink. I was really tired Sunday morning. My contractions had really calmed down, but they wanted me on the Magnesium for 24 hours so I had to wait until about 10ish to get the IV out.  I then had to wait for a room to open up so they could move me over to Women's Special Care (my home away from home).

Home Sweet Home

I ended up staying in the hospital for 2 weeks. Justin would come up sometimes in the mornings, and after work to spend the evening with me. My Dad would come up and spend most of the afternoons with me. We watched a few movies, and chatted. I also got some other visitors, like my puppies (Thanks Becca and Tony for watching them), and lots of treats.
Outside of that I was on my own. I stitched, and read, and watched videos, and tried to fill the time as best that I could.
The worst thing about the hospital is waking up at 5 in the morning. The doctors do their rounds between 5 and 6. The University of Utah is also a training hospital, so I would get a student doctor and then the resident. They were very rice, so I really didn't mind much. The nurse then came in around 6 to listen to the babies heart tones. Also, the aide would come in and do my vitals around the same time. Between 7 and 7:30 is shift change. So my night nurse and my day nurse would come in and spend some time going over my stats, and why I was there. I would get a little bit of sleep, and then my breakfast would come in around 8 or 8:30. Most days I would just fade in and out of sleep until about 10, and then finally wake up for the day.
Almost 2 weeks into my stay the attending high risk doctor brought up the possibility of coming home. I was pretty excited. I had been pretty stable and boring for the last week, and hospital food was getting really old, really fast.
Then on Wednesday morning the nurse came in and said, I just got your discharge orders. Say what? I knew it was a possibility but didn't know it was official. I called Justin and he came down and got me, and we packed up and went home. I have to go up to the hospital twice a week for stress tests, but that is a small price to pay to be able to stay at home.
Its really wonderful to be home. I get to cuddle with my puppies and watch movies all day and stitch or pretty much do whatever. I am sure I will get sick of it pretty fast considering I had to quit my job to stay home on bed rest. But, once again, if it helps the babies stay in longer, I am willing to be bored out my mind.