One Month

I can't believe my babies are one month old, and more so a month of driving to the hospital every day has gone by fast.
Life has been so crazy I have not been able to blog, but Wilson and Ella are doing well. A little after a week they were able to move into the low birth weight room. It has been so nice being in there.  We get our own room (there are normally two babies in one room, so with twins we get our own).
Another great thing about the U, is we can have the option of asking nurses that we like to be primary nurses.  So every time they work they take care of our babies. We have been able to find a few nurses that we really like.

The first month also had some terrifying moments. First, Ella got an infection and a few days later Wilson got one too.  At first they thought it was a UTI, but the cultures they grew from Ella's diaper never grew anything. So in the end I don't think we actually know what the infection was. Wilson's diaper grew something, but I don't know if we know what his was either.

Ella gave us the biggest scare.  She started to destroy her red blood cells.  We were pretty sure it was caused by the infection, but they ended up doing a lot of blood tests to see if there was any other problems.  With drawing so much blood, and her destruction of red blood cells she had two blood transfusions as well. All the scary tests came back negative, and the diagnosis they came up with was "unstable hemoglobin."  What that means we don't really know.  They don't treat the condition it's just something that's there, and to keep in mind, especially when she is sick.  Justin and I are in the process of getting blood test since this condition is hereditary.

They both recovered well from the infections, which was a great relief.  They have been doing great ever since.

Some other things that happened, they got eye exams. That really didn't tell us anything we didn't already know, they are underdeveloped.  The occupational therapist has been coming in and doing exercises with them, moving their legs and arms and such. Their oxygen needs have also been slowly decreasing. During Ella's infection she had to go back onto a c-pap machine.  She stayed on that for a week or so, and then went back down to the high flow machine. She is doing great with that, actually better than her brother.

The latest news is they are working on controlling their own temperture. They started with turning off their beds so the bed does not adjust to the babies temp automatically. The best part about this is they now get to wear clothes. They are so cute in their little jammies. After about two days of that, Ella's bed now has the top open. And soon Wilson will be in an open crib (most likely later today).

We are so greatful they are continuing to do well. Wilson especially has grown, he is 3.12 lbs today, and Ella is 3.2 lbs. they are the greatest little blessings. Life is not really what I expected it be. Before they were born I thought l would be sitting at home feeding and changing diapers, along with lots of sleep deprivation. It has turned out a lot different than that.

I honestly don't feel like a mother most of the time. I do when I am with them, and there is definitely that connection between us. But, when I am home I basiclly sit around because I'm so tired all the time, feeling like a lazy bum because I don't have a job (I actually did start catering weddings again, my first night back was two days ago, and that has helped).  Getting out of bed before 10:00 am is nearly impossible, due partly because I'm up every few hours to pump, and partly because of depression.

I'm not one that normally struggles with depression, and I'm pretty sure it's postpartum related. I've also had a bad case of "life sucks". There was a few days where I would cry constantly throughout the day if I was alone, most frequently in the car if I had to drive myself to the hospital. I would just dwell in the fact that life really is not fair.  Why did and do I have to go through all of this crap?? Years of infertility, high medical bills, lost jobs, never ending crap happening while I was pregnant, and now my kids in the NICU, and it seems like everyone around me is having happy, healthy babies. It was just constantly one thing after the other.
Justin was the most helpful in solving my blues.  Once I finally told him what was bothering me, he simply told me that it was OK, and that I was right, and had a right to feel that way.  Just hearing him say that made me feel better, and honestly most of my negative feelings went away after that.  Just knowing someone understood, and did not think I was crazy for thinking these things made all the difference. It's just another reason why I love my husband so much.